I faked an abortion last night.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
