If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
