life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Randomize
