There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
