quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
