i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I forgot how hot balto sounded
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
