her vagina looked like bernie madoff
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
