so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize