tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
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