That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
