It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
