New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
