So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Randomize
