1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Randomize
