My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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