The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
