I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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