dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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