i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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