I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
no, he came in my armpit
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Randomize
