The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Randomize
