Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
