Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
