i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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