I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
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