Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
