She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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