break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
