i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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