and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
there is puke in my bra ... again
Randomize
