Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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