apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
