i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
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