I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
