I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
