Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Randomize
