Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Randomize
