I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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