too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
