If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
