I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
