Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
