I haven't been this sober since birth.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
