I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
