she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Randomize
