matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize