girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Randomize
