How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
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