The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
