They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
My hand turned me down
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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