I used to practice getting hit by cars.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
