I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
