So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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