I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Randomize
