So drunk its hurt
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
