i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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