Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
