Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
