Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
