I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
