we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
